What is it that we search for?
For me? What is it that I am searching for?
Between audiobooks, ebooks, and paper books, how many hours do I spend on reading?
In the past two weeks or so, I finished a 28-hour audiobook, and about 200-page paper book.
In between, I read the Bible, some articles, and started another paper book I haven't finished yet.
Beween waking and going to bed, I am reading (either listening to audiobooks or actually reading) 4-5 hours a day while running my own practice, being a wife, and a mom.
By far, I don't say this to boast.
In fact, I think I am spending too much time reading.
It's like a veil I use to hide behind... what?
Hide behind the things I should really be doing.
Reading is something I loved since I can remember.
In conjunction with reading, I also used to write frequently.
I kept a diary when I was in elementary school and probably into the middle school years.
After middle school, writing became homework.
Other than writing for school or work, there was no more writing.
My entire life, I have always wanted to write a book.
I still have this desire.
During my adulthood, whenever there was a short pause from my daily living, I would think about writing.
It is something that I always wanted to do, still want to do, yet never seem to get to.
Instead, I hide behind reading.
Because it's a no-brainer.
Because it's easy.
Because it's comfortable.
Because it takes no effort whatsoever.
Because it is what I'm used to doing.
Because I won't be judged.
Because I don't have to think about it too much.
Because I don't know what to write about.
Because I am too lazy.
Because it's not a necessity.
When I think about writing, I feel incredibly guilty.
Of all the things I know I should have done or should be doing, I know in my innermost heart that I want to (should?) write.
I don't know why but there's always and has been this nagging feeling that I should write.
There are times when I decided to write, so I would start writing something.
Then, I would come to a point where I realize I need to do more research on the topic before I can go on.
So in the name of research, I start reading again and I veer off again. And again. And again.
I wondered why I have such an infatuation with writing.
Who put the idea in my head that I need to write?
For what end?
When I read, I am lost in the story. The pleasure of being engrossed in a story breaks the monotony of my days. How deliciously it satisfies!
When I write, I have to look deep within myself. The words have to be my own. I cannot rely on someone else's narration to color the pages.
When I write, I have to search within.
I am searching for the perfect word, the traits of a character, the plot from within.
I am searching within me, searching in me, searching for me.
What is it that you want to convey, Jeannie?
Or, is it someone else?
What is it that you want to convey through me, God?